As Comet Threatens Our Impending Doom, Condom Sales Plummet

NEW HAVEN, Connecticut--While the days grow nearer to what the media have termed "Zero Hour," a group of researchers at the North American Coalition on Symbolic Interactionism (NACSI) have begun conducting groundbreaking sociological studies on Human behavior.

Head of NACSI, Dr. Constance Wexler expressed her excitement for the project, "We're finding out so much about who we are, as both individuals and a world community as a whole. This is truly a great time to be alive."

According to their published findings, NACSI officials say the effects of a worldwide Armageddon have "united mankind like never before."

"We've found that in the wake of certain doom, most people are willing to do just about anything for one last thrill," says Dr. Phillip Stanton, a junior fellow with the organization.

One of the most shocking findings to come out the report found that instances of Sexually Transmitted Infections have seen a dramatic increase in almost every sect of society since the official announcement of the Apocolypse.

"Young and old, rich and poor, religious persons and atheists alike-- almost everyone's got 'Comet Fever' and they plan to spend the End of Days living life to the fullest," noted Stanton. Even still, some pessimists remain.

Renowned astrophysicist Dietrich Manokovich cautioned, "As with any predictions of astronomical phenomena, there are certain mathematical variables that must be assumed to make these kinds of hypotheses... [w]hile the probability of at least a partial collision is almost certain, we still can't rule out the notion that we've got this thing all wrong."

And scientists are not the only skeptics.

Nonbelievers from all walks of life are making their voices heard. "I think people really need to be more careful about the decisions they're making right now. If even a few of us somehow make it out of this alive, there's going to be major consequences for our society's current imprudence," claims Jeffrey Trudeau, president of The Durex Condom Corporation. He continued, "The next time you feel the urge to haphazardly engage in sexual intercourse with multiple anonymous partners, consider using one of our fine products."

While some may argue that the current climate of pandemonium may have clouded the judgments of even the most level-headed of us, it is important to question the motives of naysayers, such as Mr. Trudeau.

As Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon exclaimed in his emergency address to the United Nations Assembly at large last Tuesday, "We must not allow the scare tactics of a small minority of misanthropes control how we live our lives."