LANSING, Michigan--You may know him by his street name "Jo-Jo," famous for his love of freeway underpasses, mindless bantering, and discarded cigarette butts. Just 15 minutes after you dropped your loose change into his tattered White Castle cup last Saturday evening, homeless man Joseph Bartleby made use of your alms. He was observed exiting a nearby convenience store after purchasing a 40 oz. bottle of malt liquor.
The cashier disclosed that once outside, he secured the rest of his worldly possessions in a three-wheeled shopping cart, and promptly retreated into an alleyway adjacent to the store.
Once there, he parked his cart next to a garbage dumpster and slowly unsheathed his beverage from its brown paper bag. According to Gary Litchfield, proprietor of a local pizzeria, Joseph uncapped the booze, took three large swigs, and then kissed the bottle in a "very loving fashion."
At this point, onlookers say he had attracted the attention of a fellow vagrant.
After denying the man a sip of his drink, witnesses say Mr. Bartleby solicited him for a "rock or two" of crack cocaine. After five minutes of hard bargaining, Joseph reached into the over-sized pockets of his hand-me-down "JNCO" jeans and took out a total of $2.63 and a $5 McDonalds gift certificate he had been given earlier.
With the addition of the 3/4 full bottle of "Steel Reserve High Gravity Lager," he was able to successfully parlay your donation and the donation of seven other benefactors into a small, but potent dosage of a very addictive and harmful stimulant.
Later that evening he was arrested for stabbing an elderly woman with a shard of metal from a downed stop sign. He is currently in Ingham County jail and set to be arraigned Monday morning. According to paramedics, the victim expired on the way to the hospital.
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