U.S. Treasury to Mint $35 Bill

WASHINGTON--Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson announced plans on Wednesday to unveil the first new denomination of U.S. paper currency in over a century.

Among the many features of the new $35 note are several anti-counterfeit measures, such as Radio Frequency Identification microchips, which Sec. Paulson promised will "keep you and your money safe and accounted for."

The new currency was originally the brainchild of Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson (R - TX) , who was "tired of the often awkward exchanges with DC taxi drivers" who have frequently asked whether or not she needed change for the standard $35 cab ride from Reagan Int'l. Airport to her Loudoun County residence.

Sen. Hutchinson called it "an idea that just makes sense," in spite of opposition that has referred to the new $35 bill as "completely asinine" and "a prime example of what's wrong with America."

To spark public interest in the "exciting new design," Sec. Paulson revealed that the bill will feature numerous cryptograms and ciphers that "may or may not shed new light on the Kennedy Assassination, the Moon landing, and 9/11." When asked whose face was chosen to adorn the obverse side of the newest legal tender, the Secretary answered, "Someone you're all really gonna think is cool," as he coyly gestured at himself.

The new bill is set to begin circulating in early 2009.