Disney Buys Pittsburgh Pirates, Johnny Depp to Play Second Base

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania--In a move that shocked many in the sports and financial worlds, the Walt Disney Co. (DIS) announced today that it has obtained the perennial cellar-dwelling National League Pittsburgh Pirates.

Many 'Steel Town' residents had long feared the team would be sold and relocated due to its dwindling attendance and inability to reach the post-season since 1992. However, sources close to Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig say that the team will stay put, despite re-branding as 'The Pittsburgh Pirates of the Caribbean.'

Many sports commentators and financial gurus have lauded the purchase, citing that increased marketing revenue may have a lasting effect on the team's on-field performance.

In a speech to Disney's Board of Directors, CEO Robert Iger was quick to support such claims. Iger's bold vision to attract new fans and promote attendance includes plans to construct an actual pirate ship in the Allegheny River that will host a nightly theatrical showcase featuring musical pirates, dancing wenches, and animatronic umpires made to walk the plank.

Even more surprising is the addition to the roster of Johnny Depp as 'Capt. Jack Sparrow' at second base.

When asked how they had retained the critically-acclaimed actor's services, a spokesman for Disney said, "Pursuant to his agreement with us, he is legally obligated to appear as 'Jack Sparrow' whenever we ask him." He added, "We don't pay him treasure chests full of doubloons for nothing."

Most people are wondering if the 'Don Juan DeMarco' star has any baseball ability at all, and if the decision may not have a horrendous result on the team's performance.

Pirates' first baseman Adam LaRoche was quick to assuage any fears. "It will be an honor to play alongside an actual pirate. I've long thought that team ownership needed to bring a sense of realism to the plate," said LaRoche.

Depp was not the only Hollywood luminary looking to make the leap into professional sports.

Kevin Costner, star of several baseball-related movies petitioned the team for a walk-on tryout, citing his portrayal of a seafaring mutant in the box-office megaflop 'Waterworld.' After careful deliberation, team manager John Russell concluded that his cinematic swashbuckling was not up to "Pirate" standards.

While the move may be great for fans in the 'Three Rivers' area, some people in the nation's Capitol feel a bit slighted.

Initially, Disney had planned to purchase professional basketball's Washington Wizards in an attempt to promote their new family film in which a boy-sorcerer uses magic to win the NBA championship and reconnect with his estranged parents. The deal went south when Disney's cross-promotional marketers realized that the story of a child who plays in the NBA was not only completely ludicrous, but also against league regulations.