As Comet Threatens Our Impending Doom, Condom Sales Plummet

NEW HAVEN, Connecticut--While the days grow nearer to what the media have termed "Zero Hour," a group of researchers at the North American Coalition on Symbolic Interactionism (NACSI) have begun conducting groundbreaking sociological studies on Human behavior.

Head of NACSI, Dr. Constance Wexler expressed her excitement for the project, "We're finding out so much about who we are, as both individuals and a world community as a whole. This is truly a great time to be alive."

According to their published findings, NACSI officials say the effects of a worldwide Armageddon have "united mankind like never before."

"We've found that in the wake of certain doom, most people are willing to do just about anything for one last thrill," says Dr. Phillip Stanton, a junior fellow with the organization.

One of the most shocking findings to come out the report found that instances of Sexually Transmitted Infections have seen a dramatic increase in almost every sect of society since the official announcement of the Apocolypse.

"Young and old, rich and poor, religious persons and atheists alike-- almost everyone's got 'Comet Fever' and they plan to spend the End of Days living life to the fullest," noted Stanton. Even still, some pessimists remain.

Renowned astrophysicist Dietrich Manokovich cautioned, "As with any predictions of astronomical phenomena, there are certain mathematical variables that must be assumed to make these kinds of hypotheses... [w]hile the probability of at least a partial collision is almost certain, we still can't rule out the notion that we've got this thing all wrong."

And scientists are not the only skeptics.

Nonbelievers from all walks of life are making their voices heard. "I think people really need to be more careful about the decisions they're making right now. If even a few of us somehow make it out of this alive, there's going to be major consequences for our society's current imprudence," claims Jeffrey Trudeau, president of The Durex Condom Corporation. He continued, "The next time you feel the urge to haphazardly engage in sexual intercourse with multiple anonymous partners, consider using one of our fine products."

While some may argue that the current climate of pandemonium may have clouded the judgments of even the most level-headed of us, it is important to question the motives of naysayers, such as Mr. Trudeau.

As Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon exclaimed in his emergency address to the United Nations Assembly at large last Tuesday, "We must not allow the scare tactics of a small minority of misanthropes control how we live our lives."

Disney Buys Pittsburgh Pirates, Johnny Depp to Play Second Base

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania--In a move that shocked many in the sports and financial worlds, the Walt Disney Co. (DIS) announced today that it has obtained the perennial cellar-dwelling National League Pittsburgh Pirates.

Many 'Steel Town' residents had long feared the team would be sold and relocated due to its dwindling attendance and inability to reach the post-season since 1992. However, sources close to Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig say that the team will stay put, despite re-branding as 'The Pittsburgh Pirates of the Caribbean.'

Many sports commentators and financial gurus have lauded the purchase, citing that increased marketing revenue may have a lasting effect on the team's on-field performance.

In a speech to Disney's Board of Directors, CEO Robert Iger was quick to support such claims. Iger's bold vision to attract new fans and promote attendance includes plans to construct an actual pirate ship in the Allegheny River that will host a nightly theatrical showcase featuring musical pirates, dancing wenches, and animatronic umpires made to walk the plank.

Even more surprising is the addition to the roster of Johnny Depp as 'Capt. Jack Sparrow' at second base.

When asked how they had retained the critically-acclaimed actor's services, a spokesman for Disney said, "Pursuant to his agreement with us, he is legally obligated to appear as 'Jack Sparrow' whenever we ask him." He added, "We don't pay him treasure chests full of doubloons for nothing."

Most people are wondering if the 'Don Juan DeMarco' star has any baseball ability at all, and if the decision may not have a horrendous result on the team's performance.

Pirates' first baseman Adam LaRoche was quick to assuage any fears. "It will be an honor to play alongside an actual pirate. I've long thought that team ownership needed to bring a sense of realism to the plate," said LaRoche.

Depp was not the only Hollywood luminary looking to make the leap into professional sports.

Kevin Costner, star of several baseball-related movies petitioned the team for a walk-on tryout, citing his portrayal of a seafaring mutant in the box-office megaflop 'Waterworld.' After careful deliberation, team manager John Russell concluded that his cinematic swashbuckling was not up to "Pirate" standards.

While the move may be great for fans in the 'Three Rivers' area, some people in the nation's Capitol feel a bit slighted.

Initially, Disney had planned to purchase professional basketball's Washington Wizards in an attempt to promote their new family film in which a boy-sorcerer uses magic to win the NBA championship and reconnect with his estranged parents. The deal went south when Disney's cross-promotional marketers realized that the story of a child who plays in the NBA was not only completely ludicrous, but also against league regulations.

Anti-Gun Activists Finally Able to Pry Rifle from His 'Cold, Dead Hands'

BEVERLY HILLS, California--In what can only be viewed as a resounding victory in the war on violent crime, long-time NRA spokesman and actor Charleton Heston set sail for the "great armory in the sky," his official blog says.

Heston, a vehement supporter of the Second Amendment, died earlier this week in his Beverly Hills mansion. He is survived by his wife, their two children, and "a gun collection that rivals every member of the Michigan Militia combined," according to a source.

A spokesman for the 84 year-old actor's family noted, "[His] efforts in both film and politics were in-part responsible for launching the Golden-age of American cinema, as well as the lesser appreciated Golden-age of American gun violence. His legacy is sure to live on."

'I Saw Jon Lovitz at a Carl's Jr.'

by Barry Bagadasarian

SANTA MONICA, California--I ordered my guacamole bacon burger, expecting nothing than the delicious food for which Carl’s Jr. is known. As you'll find, however, I got more than I bargained for.

I sat down in the booth and sipped my Squirt/Fanta soda mixture, my eyes and thoughts wandered wistfully with anticipation of the culinary delights I was soon to enjoy. After scanning the room inattentively, I looked down at my Casio wristwatch. Blast! Only 30 seconds had passed!

Then, in the blink of an eye, I had a premonition. I looked up, and lo and behold, directly in front of me was beloved actor/comedian, Jon Lovitz! This brilliant SNL alum, famous for his 'Tales of Ribaldry' and 'Lying Man,' was just sitting there, not doing anything. I couldn’t believe it!

He wasn’t fighting off mobs. He wasn’t signing autographs. He was just waiting for his Famous Star [hamburger] with cheese! It’s true what they say, they are just like us! Of course he was talking on his cellular telephone (how LA!).

I postulated my next move. Should I say hello? No, that might be too forward. If it is indeed true that celebrities are just like us, then they want to eat their burgers alone, one in each hand while sobbing mercilessly.

Maybe I should wave, and acknowledge that I know who he is? No, then of course he would feel obligated to read my screenplay in which I play a cop from the past, and he plays my bumbling robotic son from the future. I was in a quandary.

His burger was served first; of course they gave preference to the star. I still had no idea what action to take. Should I just bite the bullet and tell him that I admire his work? Or would he hate that after hearing it for the millionth time?

As I pretended to glance past him, I noticed he was still on the phone. And now he was looking more depressed. But alas, I couldn’t tell if he actually was sad or just “ACTING!”

Either way, I thought it best to just ignore him. No need for me to get entangled in any Hollywood drama!

Billionaire Branson to Unveil 'New' Fleet of Dirigibles

LONDON--In a move that could have far-reaching effects on how air travel is experienced, eccentric money-man Richard Branson announced yesterday that he will be "updating" his Virgin Airlines fleet with a number of flying machines and other dirigibles.

The decision surprised many of Virgin's shareholders, many of whom believe the proposed zeppelins and other old-timey aircraft to be "wildly out of date vehicles that have no place in modern aviation," according to one upset stockbroker.

Virgin spokesperson Rick Flynn dismissed such allegations at a press conference earlier today. He argued, "What we are offering is quite simple: World Class leisure travel at fair prices. What used to be a quick five hour trans-Atlantic flight [from London to NY], can now take as long as a week at painfully slow speeds in a terrifying contraption filled with explosive gas. That's Mr. Branson's kind of excitement!"


The fledgling fleet of ten airships, four gyrocopters, and one retrofitted hot air balloon equipped with Branson's personal high-altitude hot tub, have yet to pass the International Air Transport Association's rigorous standards of inspection.

IATA General Director Giovanni Bisignani released a statement specifically challenging the safety of gyrocopters, which are exposed one man steam-powered helicopters made out of balsa wood, canvas, and steel: "I can not see how one could even learn to fly such a device without extensive knowledge of late 19th century aviation technology."

Many consumer advocacy groups are also ringing alarm bells over public safety. They cite disasters such as the Hindenburg, as well as the general resemblance of the fleet to "Nazi airships of doom." Still, others believe the "charming novelty of it all" outweighs the potential for horrendous catastrophe.

Sources close to the 'rebel billionaire' cite his numerous high altitude flights and ensuing dementia for the decision to take the 75 year-old aircrafts out of mothballs.

Never shy of controversy, Branson pledged to provide "an experience you're not going to forget."

Tapeworm Apologizes for Its Size, Blames Host's Glandular Problem

IRVINGTON, Oregon--A forty-five inch parasite "didn't mean to be a nuissance," says Maryanne Whitaker. The tapeworm, a member of the Taenia-solium family, recently had a heart-to-heart conversation with the 45 year-old housewife and mother of two. This came after a heated argument between David Whitaker, 47, and his wife about the cost of a recent trip to the grocery store.

"My husband was always a big eater, but lately it's been getting a little ridiculous. No one needs to eat an entire Virgina Baked ham in one sitting," said Maryanne.

Luckily for the couple, the tapeworm-- who asked to be referred to only as "Frank"-- took some of the heat off of Mr. Whitaker. Frank explained, "After 3 hours of bickering, I had to step in just to maintain my own sanity."

When confronted with questions about its own size, the tapeworm appeared to become very uncomfortable. Frank was quick to rebuke allegations that its condition was no better than that of its host saying, "Do you think I want to live this way? All I ask for is enough sustenance to get by until the next reproduction cycle. I think it's quite evident that Dave has some sort of thyroid problem."

While he may have successfully quelled Mrs. Whitaker's wrath, Frank was upset at David's ingratitude, noting that Mr. Whitaker has not given him "a meal worth absorbing" since the argument. He added, "I would have never snuck into his digestive system during that business trip to India if I knew this is how things would go. "

U.S. Treasury to Mint $35 Bill

WASHINGTON--Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson announced plans on Wednesday to unveil the first new denomination of U.S. paper currency in over a century.

Among the many features of the new $35 note are several anti-counterfeit measures, such as Radio Frequency Identification microchips, which Sec. Paulson promised will "keep you and your money safe and accounted for."

The new currency was originally the brainchild of Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson (R - TX) , who was "tired of the often awkward exchanges with DC taxi drivers" who have frequently asked whether or not she needed change for the standard $35 cab ride from Reagan Int'l. Airport to her Loudoun County residence.

Sen. Hutchinson called it "an idea that just makes sense," in spite of opposition that has referred to the new $35 bill as "completely asinine" and "a prime example of what's wrong with America."

To spark public interest in the "exciting new design," Sec. Paulson revealed that the bill will feature numerous cryptograms and ciphers that "may or may not shed new light on the Kennedy Assassination, the Moon landing, and 9/11." When asked whose face was chosen to adorn the obverse side of the newest legal tender, the Secretary answered, "Someone you're all really gonna think is cool," as he coyly gestured at himself.

The new bill is set to begin circulating in early 2009.

Area Homeless Man Caught Spending Your Donation on Booze, Crack

LANSING, Michigan--You may know him by his street name "Jo-Jo," famous for his love of freeway underpasses, mindless bantering, and discarded cigarette butts. Just 15 minutes after you dropped your loose change into his tattered White Castle cup last Saturday evening, homeless man Joseph Bartleby made use of your alms.

He was observed exiting a nearby convenience store after purchasing a 40 oz. bottle of malt liquor.

The cashier disclosed that once outside, he secured the rest of his worldly possessions in a three-wheeled shopping cart, and promptly retreated into an alleyway adjacent to the store.

Once there, he parked his cart next to a garbage dumpster and slowly unsheathed his beverage from its brown paper bag. According to Gary Litchfield, proprietor of a local pizzeria, Joseph uncapped the booze, took three large swigs, and then kissed the bottle in a "very loving fashion."

At this point, onlookers say he had attracted the attention of a fellow vagrant.

After denying the man a sip of his drink, witnesses say Mr. Bartleby solicited him for a "rock or two" of crack cocaine. After five minutes of hard bargaining, Joseph reached into the over-sized pockets of his hand-me-down "JNCO" jeans and took out a total of $2.63 and a $5 McDonalds gift certificate he had been given earlier.

With the addition of the 3/4 full bottle of "Steel Reserve High Gravity Lager," he was able to successfully parlay your donation and the donation of seven other benefactors into a small, but potent dosage of a very addictive and harmful stimulant.

Later that evening he was arrested for stabbing an elderly woman with a shard of metal from a downed stop sign. He is currently in Ingham County jail and set to be arraigned Monday morning. According to paramedics, the victim expired on the way to the hospital.

Production of 'Annie Jr.' Leaves Entertainment Journalist Wanting

Contributed by
Joshua Crenshaw

After recently attending what I hoped would be a tantalizing evening of live theatre and music at the Pinehurst Residential Care Facility on Rural Route 6, this reporter left crestfallen at the complete disregard the production of "Annie Jr." had for the dramatic form.

While the venue was delightful and the audience lively and engaged, despite the best efforts of a few post-traumatic stress cases, it was the war against good taste that had me shell-shocked.

Initially, I believed the notion of a watered down production of the musical "Annie" to be clever and refreshing. However, my optimism dimmed along with the lights in the cramped cafetorium. Apparently, as Nancy Harris-Karploski (set designer/choreographer/director) later explained to me, this production of "Annie Jr." is performed by a group of individuals, each of whom having no more intelligence than a 3rd grader.

While 8 year-old Samantha Mitchell was adorable, if somewhat forced, in the titular role, I was appalled and dismayed to find that "Daddy Warbucks" was portrayed by Danny Carlson, a local 7 year-old-- a fact that could not be disguised by dyeing his hair white and giving him a fake mustache. May I add, the character Daddy Warbucks is typically bald.

Hear that sound? That's the original script's librettist, Thomas Meehan topping out at about 7000 RPM.

As the night progressed, there were numerous highs and lows. Samantha's performance of the song "Tomorrow" was especially moving to my octogenarian seatmates, as they contemplated a tomorrow they may never know.

Ms. Mitchell performed notably, except during her and Danny's rendition of "I Don't Need Anything But You." Evidently, Samantha and Danny don't need anything but voice lessons. If you ask both myself, and retired C.P.A. Harold Leonard, the vocals were as canned as the poorly piped in music.

Although, this would not prove to be the evenings artistic nadir. That honor fell on a 2nd grader, Tracy Karploski, as Miss Hannigan. Clearly nepotism, not seen since the days of Jennifer Grey, played a role in this defiling of a beloved stage character.

As the curtain fell on the final act, ending 45-minutes of frustration and strange odors, I kept asking myself, "Why such poor usage of a proscenium thrust? Where's the denouement? Why did the actors break character when the ambulance came to take away Mrs. Johnston?"

I supposed these are questions that are only asked by a Master of Dramatic Theory who graduated at the top of his class from Liberty Bible College.

But perhaps the real value was in the smiles found in the audience. Surely this production evoked pleasant imagery of yesteryear. Nonetheless, I can't help but feel that if I was being pumped full of Lithium, I'd light up like a Christmas tree, too.


For tickets, call Steve Karploski at (610)837-9695

In lieu of flowers, please send donations to the Edna Johnston Memorial Fund at St. Luke's Episcopal Church.