Anti-Gun Activists Finally Able to Pry Rifle from His 'Cold, Dead Hands'

BEVERLY HILLS, California--In what can only be viewed as a resounding victory in the war on violent crime, long-time NRA spokesman and actor Charleton Heston set sail for the "great armory in the sky," his official blog says.

Heston, a vehement supporter of the Second Amendment, died earlier this week in his Beverly Hills mansion. He is survived by his wife, their two children, and "a gun collection that rivals every member of the Michigan Militia combined," according to a source.

A spokesman for the 84 year-old actor's family noted, "[His] efforts in both film and politics were in-part responsible for launching the Golden-age of American cinema, as well as the lesser appreciated Golden-age of American gun violence. His legacy is sure to live on."

'I Saw Jon Lovitz at a Carl's Jr.'

by Barry Bagadasarian

SANTA MONICA, California--I ordered my guacamole bacon burger, expecting nothing than the delicious food for which Carl’s Jr. is known. As you'll find, however, I got more than I bargained for.

I sat down in the booth and sipped my Squirt/Fanta soda mixture, my eyes and thoughts wandered wistfully with anticipation of the culinary delights I was soon to enjoy. After scanning the room inattentively, I looked down at my Casio wristwatch. Blast! Only 30 seconds had passed!

Then, in the blink of an eye, I had a premonition. I looked up, and lo and behold, directly in front of me was beloved actor/comedian, Jon Lovitz! This brilliant SNL alum, famous for his 'Tales of Ribaldry' and 'Lying Man,' was just sitting there, not doing anything. I couldn’t believe it!

He wasn’t fighting off mobs. He wasn’t signing autographs. He was just waiting for his Famous Star [hamburger] with cheese! It’s true what they say, they are just like us! Of course he was talking on his cellular telephone (how LA!).

I postulated my next move. Should I say hello? No, that might be too forward. If it is indeed true that celebrities are just like us, then they want to eat their burgers alone, one in each hand while sobbing mercilessly.

Maybe I should wave, and acknowledge that I know who he is? No, then of course he would feel obligated to read my screenplay in which I play a cop from the past, and he plays my bumbling robotic son from the future. I was in a quandary.

His burger was served first; of course they gave preference to the star. I still had no idea what action to take. Should I just bite the bullet and tell him that I admire his work? Or would he hate that after hearing it for the millionth time?

As I pretended to glance past him, I noticed he was still on the phone. And now he was looking more depressed. But alas, I couldn’t tell if he actually was sad or just “ACTING!”

Either way, I thought it best to just ignore him. No need for me to get entangled in any Hollywood drama!